In Thanksgiving

Just when I thought the blog was dead for good... he sent us Thanksgiving cards!

The copy inside was crackheaded, as you have come to expect:

Dear MyFirstName MyLastName (he spelled my last name wrong),

In thanksgiving, I always write to the people who I've known for several months to wish them a happy thanksgiving. Hope you have a happy thanksgiving.

Does that mean he doesn't write to the people he's known for longer or shorter than several months??

Charles got a card as well. His card contained the happy thanksgiving message as well, but also an apology for bothering him by calling the other day.

Side story: the reason he called Charles before was to say, "I've applied for jobs at these companies, so can you call them all to tell them they should hire me?"

Charles had to explain that's not how it works, that if the company is interested and wants to call a reference, then they would call him. I really do hope that one of those companies does call, because I would love to see Charles dance around that one.

Anyway, back to the lovely cards. He also spelled my last name wrong on the envelope. The company name was spelled wrong on both envelopes, and was missing a city and state. The worst part? He STILL has not figured out how to address an envelope! I think it was one of my first posts on here, but I had to make him redo a mailing because he printed all the addresses on the bottom right.

I can only imagine what our mailroom thought when they received those letters. "Oh how nice, they must do volunteer work with retarded children and this is a letter from one of them. "

The grand finale

On his last day, he typed up letters for each of us. This was too awesome to not post here in its entirety. Click on the image below if the font is too small to read here.

The nickname! His first day here he told us to call him by his American first name. We said we would be happy to call him by his actual name. He said, no, no, the American name is fine.

Yet every email, phone call or voice mail from him during the entire internship was always, "hello, this is your intern, [asian name], [american name] [last name]." And if it was written, he always put the American name in quotes or parentheses.

I love how he is telling me what he did during his internship in the 2nd and 3rd paragraphs. I know what I assigned to you! Not only that, but he made the assignments sound much bigger than the mundane, simple tasks that I semi-trusted him to complete.

haha I am "demanding" - Apparently I'm the demanding one because I'm the only one that told him (multiple times) that his work needed to be fixed. The others just stopped giving him work.

Awesome voicemail

I got this voicemail from him on his last day. This sums up all that is The Intern pretty well...

Words of wisdom, part 2

On his last day he handed me his "files," which were manila folders - each of us in the department had one with our name on it. In Kasey's folder was this post-it note:

"usually very busy on phone calls"

Kasey being "very busy" was the reason why the intern ended up hovering around my door all the time asking me why she was so busy. Thanks Kasey, well played indeed...

Words of wisdom, part 1

The intern decided to "help" the next intern by leaving these gems of wisdom behind...

My favorites:

• "don't ask too many questions" - not sure where he got this idea from, but if he actually asked when he was confused at the start of an assignment, we could potentially have avoided the 15 rounds of re-explaining that it took for every little task we assigned to him. Or maybe cut it down to just 5 rounds of re-explaining...
• "make your bosses look good..." - Or, make your bosses look like the assholes that hired the creepy, awkward intern. That's almost the same thing, right??

Another gem on Facebook

He seems to have added this under the About Me section under Info:

"I am energetic, vibrant, creative, goal-oriented, problem solver, and most of all, one who can improve a team."

Energetic and vibrant are among the last words anyone would ever use to describe this kid.

And problem solving? Hmm, he couldn't figure out how to address an envelope, so I would also have to nix this one as well.

I'd hate to see what his weaknesses are...

Just saw this on his Facebook page under the spot where you can write something about yourself:

"Marketing Research is my strength."

I almost peed myself reading that

Feedback

His 2nd to last day we took him out to lunch.

While we were looking over the menus, he turns to Charles and asks, "Do you hit on waiters a lot?"

Charles decides to have fun with it and says, "Yeah, I hit them when
they get my order wrong."

Intern: "No, no. Hit on."

Me: He has quite a temper when they get an order wrong."

Intern: "No, no. Hit ON, you know, ask on date?"

Charles: " No, I'm married."

Intern: "Well what about before?"

WOW this kid doesn't let up when he thinks he's onto a good conversation topic.


I basically spent the entire lunch avoiding eye contact with Charles because I was afraid I would not be able to stop laughing.

Later on, the intern asked if we had any feedback for him on what he could improve. I said, "yes, everything" and then started laughing so he would think I was joking, and then quickly changed the subject.


I know what you are thinking. Is it wrong of me NOT to tell him that he sucks? Maybe, but why do I have to be the bad guy here? He already thinks that I'm the "demanding one," and do I really want to be the one he shoots first or mails the anthrax to?

I'm telling you, I don't think this kid would be all that stable in a stressful situation. The fact that he was leaving the internship quietly was a good sign and I wasn't about to change that.

Update!

Haven't updated in a while, but the intern's last day was last week. 2 weeks before that, we told him when his internship would be ending.

As soon as my manager gave him the news, I got this email from the intern:

Can I speak with you for a few minutes?
(as in the moment)

Not sure why he had to specify "in the moment" but I told him to stop by. He asked if he did anything wrong, and boy was it tempting to give him the laundry list. I couldn't bring myself to do it so I just said that there wasn't much work to give him at this point.

Which was true--there was no work for HIM, but if we had a competent intern there would have been plenty of work. Over the last few weeks all four of us had stopped giving him work because no one felt like wasting time re-explaining it 10 times only to have to fix it ourselves in the end.

service upon request

This was the email he sent to us this morning:

Dear U.S. Marketing Managers and Director,

I am still interning and will be coming in Tuesday 9am-4pm and on request, will
come in Thursday.

Please let me know if you need anything done.

Thank you for your time and hope you have a great week.

Not sure why he had to specify that we are in the US, or why he couldn't just address to our names. You would think after working with us for a few months that we would be on first name basis...

It's also funny that he had to remind us that he was still interning. Maybe because we've all pretty much stopped giving him work to do, except for the occasional simple task that he can't mess up.

But now I'm starting to worry that if he has no work to do then he will stop coming here and then I will have no material for this blog. Uh oh!

4 things in ONE day!

I had to jot down notes of the four crackheaded things he did today so I wouldn't forget anything by the time I got home to post this. It's either sad because he did so many things in one day, or sad that my brain has withered to the point where I can't remember four things...

1. This was Charles' story but I feel that must tell it because it illustrates perfectly all that is the Intern. This morning on the train ride to work, Charles fell asleep, only to be jolted awake by someone poking him repeatedly on the arm. When he opened his eyes he also saw a hand waving inches from his face. Guess who??
   
   
2. So as Charles is in my office telling about the train ride incident, I glance up and see the intern standing outside my office window and peering in. He comes in and Charles compliments him on the tie he is wearing. Intern then says that his girlfriend gave it to him, therefore he "tries to wear it almost every day."
   
   What??
   
   
3. He told us today that he is thinking of going into sales.
   
   My inside voice: "Given your complete lack of social skills, perhaps you should move further AWAY from the customer than what marketing would entail, rather than CLOSER to them in sales."
   
   But I couldn't think of a good way to say that, so out loud I said: "Oh that's interesting. How did that come about? Did you talk to some of the people in that department?"
   
   Intern: "No, I just heard that sales makes lots of money."
   
   Me: "Um... well, most of what they make is not guaranteed since it's commission-based. The really good ones can do pretty well though.
   
   Charles (being wonderfully evil as always): "You know, you really should go talk to [our boss] about this. Kasey came from sales."
   
   Me: "Ooh, yes! Ask lots of questions!"
   (It's always fun to drag other people into the madness!)
   
   Intern: "Really? Did Kasey make lots of money?"
   
   Charles: "Uh, dude, ask questions, but don't ask that. Don't ever ask anyone that."
   
   Intern: "So what do you think, like $200,000?"
   
   
4. Later in the day, around 4pm, he stops back over. He looks all flustered, and then says,
   "I need your advice on how to stay awake in the middle of the day when you're really tired."
   
   OK. As crackedhead as both the question and the manner in which he asked are, he actually asked that exact same question in that exact way his first week here this summer!
   
   Me: "You asked me that when you first started. Same answer as before: drink some coffee, take a walk, go outside for some fresh air."
   
   Intern: "It's not working."
   
   Me: "I don't know what else to tell you. Maybe you should go to bed earlier since you seem to be constantly tired. Why don't you just go home for the day since it's already 4 pm?"
   
   Intern: "No, no. I need to work hard so I can get a good recommendation from Charles."
   
   Me: "Okaaay..."
   *slowly backing away*

Juice

I guess he didn't want anyone to take his grape juice...

Is it funny, creepy, or sad?

I wish I could convey exactly how funny/creepy/sad it is when he peeks into our office windows before walking in or knocking on the door, but words can't do it justice.

If I signal to him that I'm on a conference call and to come back later, he nods like he understands, then continues to stand outside my door.

Since I can't figure out how to actually take a picture of him doing this, these images sort of give you an idea of what it feels like--a combo of cartoon - Jack Nicholson in the Shining - sad puppy dog...

Gifts

Posting his Facebook picture from New Orleans reminded me to post this story...

He went on a volunteer trip through school to New Orleans a week after starting here, and brought back gifts for me and my manager (we'll call him Charles here).

That was quite thoughtful of him, which is why I hestitated to make fun of the gifts, but I figured I'm going to hell anyway so why not. Besides, the gifts are just so weird that I can't help it.

He gave us each ground coffee, saying it was "famous coffee from New Orleans." I looked at the box--it was Gevalia Coffee. Nothing wrong with Gevalia, but it is Scandinavian and sold everywhere. I'm guessing he bought it in a store that happened to be in New Orleans, and thus assumed that meant it was a special local treat.

Oh but it gets better...

I received a bottle of self-tanning cream, along with a pair of latex gloves. I was both creeped out and confused. I have naturally olive-toned skin and tan very easily, but maybe he thought I looked too pale?

I then hoped that he gave Charles the same gift, because it would have been even funnier in his case. (Charles is a fairly dark-skinned African-American) Unfortunately for comedy's sake, he did not. However...

He gave Charles a bottle of Vitamin E supplements, and said, "these are good for your teeth." What does that have to do with New Orleans? Your guess is as good as mine.

(Afterwards, Charles and I did piece together that maybe the intern remembered that Charles had his wisdom teeth pulled. So maybe he assumed that Charles didn't take care of his teeth?? Even with that explanation, it's still weird.)

Maybe he's learning?

An email from the intern this morning:

"I have to go get my medical pill refill and brief check up at St. Joseph's Hospital. I will most likely arrive in the office around 11am-ish."

MUCH better than Monday, when he shared with us that he had diarrhea over the weekend!

More Facebook oddities

I didn't realize how much mileage we would get out of surfing his Facebook profile.

The following are actual picture captions on his FB pictures. I had posted a really weird one on this blog before, but today we found some more. The only things I edited were the names, which I shortened to first initials.

1. "This occurred on the last day of the PWC event. Students all gathered in the tables and ate the white lunch box (ham/cheese/Turkey/Roast beef + chips + cookies + drinks (bottle water, coke, sprite))."
   [Quite the detail! Riveting!]

2. "This is the famous burbon Street in Madi Gras, New Orleans. you can find hustler, stripper club, bars, restaurant all mixed in this street."
   [I'm not even sure where to begin on this one, so I'll just leave it alone]

3. "My face"
   [Yes - this was a close up of him, which for some reason he felt necessary to label as "my face," lest viewers get confused and think it's his foot]

4. "N. and her friend (Pretty pictures of ladies)."
   [no, that's not creepy at all]

5. "Next to me: Order from left to right. K. (a chinese girl I kind of liked in the past). R. (Karlee's close friend, and BME major)"
   [I wonder how weirded out that girl was when she saw this FB tag?]
   

6. "E. (gray shirt) - funny geology major guy, who enjoyed computer games, and cherished with jokes. D. ( my roomate in freshman college) - knew him personally well."
   [Perhaps something is lost here in the cultural translation. That, or he's really, really, weird.]
   

"Look at the big brain on Brett!"

We found this on his Facebook profile:

"Aiming to become international marketing manager of a large health corporation, who can speak three languages and work multiple projects, directing and manging others, budgetting and increasing revenue for the company."

I would argue that English is NOT one of the three languages that he can speak. All in all, pretty lofty goals for someone who can't figure out how to use the printer, send packages, or carry on a normal conversation.

Other stories?

Everyone has had an awful intern at some point. Feel free to share your stories here!

I just found this other blog about a shitty intern. I definitely feel their pain!

http://dumbintern.blogspot.com

Copier-1, Intern-0

I just walked into the kitchen and heard a voice that sounded like an Asian Napoleon Dynamite coming from the mail/copy room next to the kitchen,

"UHH. That's SO disGUSting!"

I knew it was my intern, but I still hoped it was someone else's problem.

Nope. It was him. He comes running out, with black ink all over his hands.

I'm pretty sure I made my "WTF?!" face at this point. (I'm afraid that look might become my permanent expression after this summer...)

Apparently the copier jammed on him while he was printing a batch of the mail merge that he's been working on. To be fair, that machine has jammed on all of us at one point. But I've yet to see anyone else come running out of there covered in ink, yelling as if they were on fire. Until now.

ah, monday

Good start to the week:

Intern comes in pretty much every day saying that he is tired. So I wasn't surprised when he said that just now. He said he was in bed most of Saturday with a headache. I said, "Oh I'm sorry to hear that. Are you sick again?"

THEN he says, "Yeah, and yesterday I had diarrhea."

Seriously?? Did he just say that? I told him next time he can keep that level of detail to himself.

He gave a sheepish apology and then started rambling on about something, while I logged into this blog. He is still talking now as I'm typing...

Which brings me to another topic... Why doesn't he ever understand when it's time to walk away? I've seen him hover around other people's doorways and cubes too.

If it was a cultural thing I'd cut him some slack since he lived in South Korea from ~age 7-18. But I don't think his awkwardness is a cultural thing. I bet he would be considered awkward anywhere on this planet.

not so fast

I thought we were going to get through a whole week without the intern doing anything overly crackheaded. How naive of me!

My manager, Charles*, just came in and told me that the intern went into his office just now looking all disheveled and asked, "Do you know anything about stains?"

Charles' first thought was, "Oh no, he's bludgeoned someone." Then he looked up and saw that the intern had some sort of food all over his shirt and tie.

[Side note: today the intern was actually wearing a pretty nice looking tie, but then ruined the whole look by wearing it with a short sleeve "dress shirt" - picture Dwight Schrute]

Back to the story...

Intern said he was eating a hot dog and the "reviss" dripped onto his clothes.

Charles: "You mean, 'relish?'"

Intern: "No, not relish."

Charles: "Sauerkraut?"

Intern: "No, no. Reviss."

Charles: (long pause) "Nevermind."

*Name changed

mediocre all around

Intern just said he got a "C" on his final this week. So in addition to being socially retarded and not having any personality, it turns out he is mediocre at best, academically speaking.

That really sucks. I had hoped for his sake that he was at least book-smart. I feel bad for him.

Oh joy

Today intern tells me that he will continue coming here this Fall, but only two days a week. I would also be fine with zero days, but that's just me...

Sniffles

Actual email. Apparently he likes providing gross and unnecessary details:

I thought I could get over a simple cold, but can't seem to stop the nose blowing issue.

I do not wish to pass on the cold to co-workers and managers.

Market research is something that I enjoy, and would want to continue on that work.

Thank you for assigning me the work, as I am finding the work more interesting.

If the nose blowing doesn't stop in the morning, I will stay at home and call you for next assingment.

Not sure if I'm more bothered by the level of detail, or the fact that he is staying home because he has the sniffles.

Who's that handsome guy looking back at me? Oh, it's ME!

This is his cube.

For some reason, he decided to post his resume up on the wall. So far, no one has been able to fathom why.

And notice the picture. It's a picture of himself sitting at that very desk. So he can see himself gazing back at himself?

???

*Face and contact info blurred out for privacy.

At 8:50 am Thursday morning

Me, glancing up and seeing The Intern standing in my office doorway silently (God knows how long he was standing there, instead of knocking or saying something like a NORMAL HUMAN BEING): Oh! Good morning.

Intern: Hi, how are you?

Me: I'm fine. And you?

Intern: I feel powerful!

Me: *blank stare* What??

Intern: I feel, you know, energy!

Me: Oh.

I walk away, but he follows me into the kitchen. I just need a freakin coffee so I can attempt to deal with him.

Intern: How was your weekend, er, I mean, week, er, um, how was your last night after leaving the work office?
(That's what he actually said, verbatim. I shit you not.)

Me: *blank stare*

Me: It was fine.

Intern: Ow! *grabs the back of his head*

Me: Um, are you okay?

Intern: My head hurts.

Me: What happened?? You should get that checked out.

Intern; Oh, it just itches.

Me: Does it hurt or itch? Those are pretty different things.

Intern: Itches.

Me: Maybe you should get that checked out anyway.


WTF?????
And all this happened BEFORE 9am. At least let me finish my first cup of coffee first so I have a fighting chance!

More awkwardness

I think he says things just to say them. I bet he hears other people say things then tries to work them into his conversations, even if they make no sense in the context. Case in point:

Yesterday he said he was stressed...

Intern: I need to find a job.

Me: Aren't you a junior? Why don't you worry about school now and worry about the job search when you are actually hire-able?

Intern: *incoherent mumble* *stammer* ...I'd like to make $40,000 to start.

Me (internal dialogue): At this point, I wouldn't even hire you to take orders or even make the food at McDonald's. JACKASS!

Me (out loud): Perhaps your focus should be on what you want to do and THEN when someone actually wants to hire you, you can think about compensation.

He is also odd on Facebook...Shocker!

So his first week here he sends us all friend requests on Facebook.

That's actually why I started this blog, since I kinda don't want him to see my ramblings on FB about how strange he is.

Anyway, he even writes odd captions on his photos. Here is an example that I did a screengrab of--I couldn't make this shit up if I tried...

The Envelopes

Here's an example of his work from last month...

(I blurred out my company's logo)

I asked him to print some addresses

on envelopes for a mailing. Pretty simple task. So mundane, in fact, that I hesitated to assign it since it's kind of a crappy assignment. But I figured since he had already messed up a couple other tasks for my colleagues, I would start him off with an easy one and build up from there.

Well, here is one of the envelopes that he did. I threw away the stack of 60 that he did, but felt that I had to save one for my Wall of Shame.

He actually tried to tell me that this is how envelopes are supposed to look before finally agreeing to redo them. On what planet do they look like this???

Serenity now...

I decided that I need to write this down because otherwise I might go insane...

I have the weirdest, most awkward intern.

I almost feel bad, because he is a very nice kid. He's just not very bright and is definitely the most socially awkward person I have ever encountered in my entire life. (And I went to an Ivy League school, so that's saying something!)

I guess the reason I say I "almost" feel bad is that he manages to stress me out on a daily basis, so me using this to vent rather than firing (or throttling) him doesn't seem that bad in comparison.

That, and I do feel bad about constantly bitching about him to friends and family. This way I can get it all out in a relatively healthy way...