Juice

I guess he didn't want anyone to take his grape juice...

Is it funny, creepy, or sad?

I wish I could convey exactly how funny/creepy/sad it is when he peeks into our office windows before walking in or knocking on the door, but words can't do it justice.

If I signal to him that I'm on a conference call and to come back later, he nods like he understands, then continues to stand outside my door.

Since I can't figure out how to actually take a picture of him doing this, these images sort of give you an idea of what it feels like--a combo of cartoon - Jack Nicholson in the Shining - sad puppy dog...

Gifts

Posting his Facebook picture from New Orleans reminded me to post this story...

He went on a volunteer trip through school to New Orleans a week after starting here, and brought back gifts for me and my manager (we'll call him Charles here).

That was quite thoughtful of him, which is why I hestitated to make fun of the gifts, but I figured I'm going to hell anyway so why not. Besides, the gifts are just so weird that I can't help it.

He gave us each ground coffee, saying it was "famous coffee from New Orleans." I looked at the box--it was Gevalia Coffee. Nothing wrong with Gevalia, but it is Scandinavian and sold everywhere. I'm guessing he bought it in a store that happened to be in New Orleans, and thus assumed that meant it was a special local treat.

Oh but it gets better...

I received a bottle of self-tanning cream, along with a pair of latex gloves. I was both creeped out and confused. I have naturally olive-toned skin and tan very easily, but maybe he thought I looked too pale?

I then hoped that he gave Charles the same gift, because it would have been even funnier in his case. (Charles is a fairly dark-skinned African-American) Unfortunately for comedy's sake, he did not. However...

He gave Charles a bottle of Vitamin E supplements, and said, "these are good for your teeth." What does that have to do with New Orleans? Your guess is as good as mine.

(Afterwards, Charles and I did piece together that maybe the intern remembered that Charles had his wisdom teeth pulled. So maybe he assumed that Charles didn't take care of his teeth?? Even with that explanation, it's still weird.)

Maybe he's learning?

An email from the intern this morning:

"I have to go get my medical pill refill and brief check up at St. Joseph's Hospital. I will most likely arrive in the office around 11am-ish."

MUCH better than Monday, when he shared with us that he had diarrhea over the weekend!

More Facebook oddities

I didn't realize how much mileage we would get out of surfing his Facebook profile.

The following are actual picture captions on his FB pictures. I had posted a really weird one on this blog before, but today we found some more. The only things I edited were the names, which I shortened to first initials.

1. "This occurred on the last day of the PWC event. Students all gathered in the tables and ate the white lunch box (ham/cheese/Turkey/Roast beef + chips + cookies + drinks (bottle water, coke, sprite))."
   [Quite the detail! Riveting!]

2. "This is the famous burbon Street in Madi Gras, New Orleans. you can find hustler, stripper club, bars, restaurant all mixed in this street."
   [I'm not even sure where to begin on this one, so I'll just leave it alone]

3. "My face"
   [Yes - this was a close up of him, which for some reason he felt necessary to label as "my face," lest viewers get confused and think it's his foot]

4. "N. and her friend (Pretty pictures of ladies)."
   [no, that's not creepy at all]

5. "Next to me: Order from left to right. K. (a chinese girl I kind of liked in the past). R. (Karlee's close friend, and BME major)"
   [I wonder how weirded out that girl was when she saw this FB tag?]
   

6. "E. (gray shirt) - funny geology major guy, who enjoyed computer games, and cherished with jokes. D. ( my roomate in freshman college) - knew him personally well."
   [Perhaps something is lost here in the cultural translation. That, or he's really, really, weird.]
   

"Look at the big brain on Brett!"

We found this on his Facebook profile:

"Aiming to become international marketing manager of a large health corporation, who can speak three languages and work multiple projects, directing and manging others, budgetting and increasing revenue for the company."

I would argue that English is NOT one of the three languages that he can speak. All in all, pretty lofty goals for someone who can't figure out how to use the printer, send packages, or carry on a normal conversation.

Other stories?

Everyone has had an awful intern at some point. Feel free to share your stories here!

I just found this other blog about a shitty intern. I definitely feel their pain!

http://dumbintern.blogspot.com

Copier-1, Intern-0

I just walked into the kitchen and heard a voice that sounded like an Asian Napoleon Dynamite coming from the mail/copy room next to the kitchen,

"UHH. That's SO disGUSting!"

I knew it was my intern, but I still hoped it was someone else's problem.

Nope. It was him. He comes running out, with black ink all over his hands.

I'm pretty sure I made my "WTF?!" face at this point. (I'm afraid that look might become my permanent expression after this summer...)

Apparently the copier jammed on him while he was printing a batch of the mail merge that he's been working on. To be fair, that machine has jammed on all of us at one point. But I've yet to see anyone else come running out of there covered in ink, yelling as if they were on fire. Until now.

ah, monday

Good start to the week:

Intern comes in pretty much every day saying that he is tired. So I wasn't surprised when he said that just now. He said he was in bed most of Saturday with a headache. I said, "Oh I'm sorry to hear that. Are you sick again?"

THEN he says, "Yeah, and yesterday I had diarrhea."

Seriously?? Did he just say that? I told him next time he can keep that level of detail to himself.

He gave a sheepish apology and then started rambling on about something, while I logged into this blog. He is still talking now as I'm typing...

Which brings me to another topic... Why doesn't he ever understand when it's time to walk away? I've seen him hover around other people's doorways and cubes too.

If it was a cultural thing I'd cut him some slack since he lived in South Korea from ~age 7-18. But I don't think his awkwardness is a cultural thing. I bet he would be considered awkward anywhere on this planet.

not so fast

I thought we were going to get through a whole week without the intern doing anything overly crackheaded. How naive of me!

My manager, Charles*, just came in and told me that the intern went into his office just now looking all disheveled and asked, "Do you know anything about stains?"

Charles' first thought was, "Oh no, he's bludgeoned someone." Then he looked up and saw that the intern had some sort of food all over his shirt and tie.

[Side note: today the intern was actually wearing a pretty nice looking tie, but then ruined the whole look by wearing it with a short sleeve "dress shirt" - picture Dwight Schrute]

Back to the story...

Intern said he was eating a hot dog and the "reviss" dripped onto his clothes.

Charles: "You mean, 'relish?'"

Intern: "No, not relish."

Charles: "Sauerkraut?"

Intern: "No, no. Reviss."

Charles: (long pause) "Nevermind."

*Name changed

mediocre all around

Intern just said he got a "C" on his final this week. So in addition to being socially retarded and not having any personality, it turns out he is mediocre at best, academically speaking.

That really sucks. I had hoped for his sake that he was at least book-smart. I feel bad for him.

Oh joy

Today intern tells me that he will continue coming here this Fall, but only two days a week. I would also be fine with zero days, but that's just me...

Sniffles

Actual email. Apparently he likes providing gross and unnecessary details:

I thought I could get over a simple cold, but can't seem to stop the nose blowing issue.

I do not wish to pass on the cold to co-workers and managers.

Market research is something that I enjoy, and would want to continue on that work.

Thank you for assigning me the work, as I am finding the work more interesting.

If the nose blowing doesn't stop in the morning, I will stay at home and call you for next assingment.

Not sure if I'm more bothered by the level of detail, or the fact that he is staying home because he has the sniffles.

Who's that handsome guy looking back at me? Oh, it's ME!

This is his cube.

For some reason, he decided to post his resume up on the wall. So far, no one has been able to fathom why.

And notice the picture. It's a picture of himself sitting at that very desk. So he can see himself gazing back at himself?

???

*Face and contact info blurred out for privacy.

At 8:50 am Thursday morning

Me, glancing up and seeing The Intern standing in my office doorway silently (God knows how long he was standing there, instead of knocking or saying something like a NORMAL HUMAN BEING): Oh! Good morning.

Intern: Hi, how are you?

Me: I'm fine. And you?

Intern: I feel powerful!

Me: *blank stare* What??

Intern: I feel, you know, energy!

Me: Oh.

I walk away, but he follows me into the kitchen. I just need a freakin coffee so I can attempt to deal with him.

Intern: How was your weekend, er, I mean, week, er, um, how was your last night after leaving the work office?
(That's what he actually said, verbatim. I shit you not.)

Me: *blank stare*

Me: It was fine.

Intern: Ow! *grabs the back of his head*

Me: Um, are you okay?

Intern: My head hurts.

Me: What happened?? You should get that checked out.

Intern; Oh, it just itches.

Me: Does it hurt or itch? Those are pretty different things.

Intern: Itches.

Me: Maybe you should get that checked out anyway.


WTF?????
And all this happened BEFORE 9am. At least let me finish my first cup of coffee first so I have a fighting chance!

More awkwardness

I think he says things just to say them. I bet he hears other people say things then tries to work them into his conversations, even if they make no sense in the context. Case in point:

Yesterday he said he was stressed...

Intern: I need to find a job.

Me: Aren't you a junior? Why don't you worry about school now and worry about the job search when you are actually hire-able?

Intern: *incoherent mumble* *stammer* ...I'd like to make $40,000 to start.

Me (internal dialogue): At this point, I wouldn't even hire you to take orders or even make the food at McDonald's. JACKASS!

Me (out loud): Perhaps your focus should be on what you want to do and THEN when someone actually wants to hire you, you can think about compensation.

He is also odd on Facebook...Shocker!

So his first week here he sends us all friend requests on Facebook.

That's actually why I started this blog, since I kinda don't want him to see my ramblings on FB about how strange he is.

Anyway, he even writes odd captions on his photos. Here is an example that I did a screengrab of--I couldn't make this shit up if I tried...

The Envelopes

Here's an example of his work from last month...

(I blurred out my company's logo)

I asked him to print some addresses

on envelopes for a mailing. Pretty simple task. So mundane, in fact, that I hesitated to assign it since it's kind of a crappy assignment. But I figured since he had already messed up a couple other tasks for my colleagues, I would start him off with an easy one and build up from there.

Well, here is one of the envelopes that he did. I threw away the stack of 60 that he did, but felt that I had to save one for my Wall of Shame.

He actually tried to tell me that this is how envelopes are supposed to look before finally agreeing to redo them. On what planet do they look like this???

Serenity now...

I decided that I need to write this down because otherwise I might go insane...

I have the weirdest, most awkward intern.

I almost feel bad, because he is a very nice kid. He's just not very bright and is definitely the most socially awkward person I have ever encountered in my entire life. (And I went to an Ivy League school, so that's saying something!)

I guess the reason I say I "almost" feel bad is that he manages to stress me out on a daily basis, so me using this to vent rather than firing (or throttling) him doesn't seem that bad in comparison.

That, and I do feel bad about constantly bitching about him to friends and family. This way I can get it all out in a relatively healthy way...